Useless advisors
by M0R0N
Summary: Who said Erestor and Glorfindel were good advisors?
1. GET ME AN ORC REPORT!

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing! NOTHING!  
  
Erestor threw a pen at Glorfindel and yelled,  
  
"You fool! You lost the report!?" Glorfindel was not subdued. He yelled back,  
  
" I told you not to give it to me!"  
  
"We were supposed to have given the report Elrond an hour ago!"  
  
"We'll just make something up!"  
  
"This is an Orc report. To the Lord of Imladris. We can't just make something up!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because Imladris's safety depends on it!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"Fine. But you're writing it!"  
  
"Why me?"  
  
"It was your idea!"  
  
"I thought of the idea! Now you have to do it!"  
  
"Your idea. Your job."  
  
Elrond stepped into the room. He asked his advisors,  
  
"Make what up?"  
  
"Just a...um..." Erestor began.  
  
"Report." Glorfindle said.  
  
"About nothing important!" Erestor panicked. Who knows what Elrond would do to them if he found out what they, correction, Glorfindel, did.  
  
"Oh. Nothing important eh? Then do you mind giving me the Orc report?" It was sooooooooooooo obvious that Erestor and Glorfindel didn't have it, but Elrond still didn't get it.  
  
"We'll have it ready in a day...or two...maybe a week. Or a month? How about a year?" Glorfindel asked. Elrond was getting impatient.  
  
"You DID do it...right?" he asked  
  
"Of course we( I ) did." Erestor said.  
  
"Then can I have it?"  
  
"No"  
  
"May I ask why?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Ok...why?"  
  
"Because Glorfindel lost it" Erestor blamed. Elrond lost it.  
  
"YOU WHAT!? DO YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT REPORT IS? I AM STARTING TO THINK YOU TWO ARE WORSE THAN THRANDUIL'S ADVISORS!!!" He screeched. Erestor and Glorfindel had never been more insulted.  
  
"Yeah. Well, we think you rule your kingdom worse than Thranduil!" Glorfindel retaliated.  
  
"THAT DOESN'T SAY A LOT, CONSIDERING THRANDUIL DOESN'T RULE HIM KINGDOM BADLY!" Elrond screeched some more. "NOW GO AND GET ME AN ORC REPORT!" Erestor and Glorfindel rushed out of the room. Once they were outside, Elrond heard a bunch of crashes, yells, and insults. He sighed and thought, useless advisors.  
Need more chapters? Or is it good the way it is? Review and tell me! 


	2. Sir MixaLot's Baby Got Back

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! The characters are Tolkien's and Baby Got Back is Sir Mix-a-Lot's Thanks to Fiora-da-Insane for telling me about Elrond's butterfly hairclip thingy ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Elrond stood in front of his mirror and admired himself. He put a hand through his hair,  
  
something was missing. Oh right, the butterfly hairclip, he thought, but where is it? He was about to look  
  
around when he heard Erestor and Glorfindel shouting at each other outside.  
  
"You lost the report!"  
  
"I wouldn't have it you didn't give it to me!"  
  
"You asked me to give it to you!"  
  
"That didn't mean you had to do it!"  
  
Elrond poked his head out of the window and screeched, again  
  
"YOU TWO BETTER BE GETTING THAT ORC REPORT!!!" Immediately, Erestor and Glorfindel ran  
  
off. They can to Imladris's biggest waterfall and stopped for a rest. Glorfindel climbed onto a tree and  
  
looked to the west.  
  
"Hey Erestor! Guess what?"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"There's a band of Orcs half a mile away."  
  
"What!? How many are there? Do they have weapons? Are they coming this way?"  
  
"No! I mean an Orc "band". As in, there is one lead guitar, one second guitar, an electric base guy, and a  
  
trap set (those rock band drums) player."  
  
"What are they playing?"  
  
"Baby Got Back. Do you think we can put that on the report?"  
  
"Let's try it"  
  
"Can you hear them?"  
  
"No...wait. Yes, I hear them...they're not bad"  
  
Orc band:  
  
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.  
  
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,  
  
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.  
  
But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*  
  
They only talk to her, because,  
  
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?  
  
I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff*  
  
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,  
  
out there, I mean - gross. Look!  
  
She's just so ... black!  
  
I like big butts and I can not lie  
  
You other brothers can't deny  
  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waste  
  
And a round thing in your face  
  
You get sprung, wanna pull up tough  
  
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed  
  
Deep in the jeans she's wearing  
  
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring  
  
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha  
  
And take your picture  
  
My homeboys tried to warn me  
  
But with that butt you got makes  
  
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin  
  
You say you wanna get in my Benz?  
  
Well, use me, use me  
  
'Cause you ain't that average groupy  
  
I've seen them dancin'  
  
The hell with romancin'  
  
She's wet, wet,  
  
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette  
  
I'm tired of magazines  
  
Sayin' flat butts are the thing  
  
Take the average black man and ask him that  
  
She gotta pack much back  
  
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)  
  
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)  
  
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)  
  
Shake that healthy butt!  
  
Baby got back!  
  
Baby got back!  
  
I like 'em round, and big  
  
And when I'm throwin' a gig  
  
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal  
  
Now here's my scandal  
  
I wanna get you home  
  
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh  
  
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy  
  
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys  
  
I want 'em real thick and juicy  
  
So find that juicy double  
  
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble  
  
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble  
  
So I'm lookin' at rock videos  
  
Watchin' these bimbos walkin' like hoes  
  
You can have them bimbos  
  
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo  
  
A word to the thick soul sistas, I wanna get with ya  
  
I won't cuss or hit ya  
  
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*  
  
Til the break of dawn  
  
Baby got it goin' on  
  
A lot of simps won't like this song  
  
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it  
  
And I'd rather stay and play  
  
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong  
  
And I'm down to get the friction on  
  
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}  
  
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!}  
  
Then turn around! Stick it out!  
  
Even white boys got to shout  
  
Baby got back!  
  
Baby got back!  
  
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'  
  
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".  
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda  
  
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda  
  
My anaconda don't want none  
  
Unless you've got buns, hon  
  
You can do side bends or sit-ups,  
  
But please don't lose that butt  
  
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role  
  
And tell you that the butt ain't go  
  
So they toss it and leave it  
  
And I pull up quick to retrieve it  
  
So Cosmo says you're fat  
  
Well I ain't down with that!  
  
'Cause your waste is small and your curves are kickin'  
  
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'  
  
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:  
  
You ain't it, Miss Thing!  
  
Give me a sista, I can't resist her  
  
Red beans and rice didn't miss her  
  
Some knucklehead tried to dis  
  
'Cause his girls are on my list  
  
He had game but he chose to hit 'em  
  
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em  
  
So ladies, if the butt is round,  
  
And you want a triple X throw down,  
  
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT  
  
And kick them nasty thoughts  
  
Baby got back!  
  
Glorfindel: Wow! They're really good  
  
Later that evening,  
  
Erestor and Glorfindel handed Elrond the Orc report. It read,  
  
There was an Orc band playing and singing Baby Got Back in the western borders. They're really good. You should get them to play during the Summer Festival.  
  
Erestor and Glorfindel  
  
Elrond took one look at the report and fainted. When he woke up, he was in the infirmary. Erestor and  
  
Glorfindel were not there. Beside him was the "Orc report". Elrond took up the Orc report and ripped it to  
  
pieces. He was about to find and strangle his advisors when Figwit appeared.  
  
"Please, my Lord. Lie die. You must rest."  
  
"LIE DOWN? LIE DOWN??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MUST REST??? I AM MIDDLE-EARTH'S GREATEST HEALER! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!"  
  
Figwit, scared, rushed out of the room. Elrond started to look for Erestor and Glorfindel.  
  
A/N: I'm making Figwit a healer in this fic. I don't know if he'll be a main character tho 


	3. Glorfindel can't tell jokes

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! The 2nd chapter was not mine! My sister posted it when I was at baseball practice Ellen, if you are reading this, you are EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL And concertmasters suck Trumpets are the best To readers: You can ignore the 2nd chapter if you want Either way, Elrond's mad ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Glorfindel looked around for some paper and a pen. When he couldn't find any, he  
  
stepped out the door. To Glorfindel's dismay, Elrond stood outside, waiting for him.  
  
Elrond glared at him for a few seconds. Glorfindel tried to lighten the moment.  
  
"How are you doing, Elrond"  
  
"Angry"  
  
"May I asked why?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Ok, why?"  
  
"Because I am waiting for an Orc report"  
  
"How bout a joke"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"  
  
"I don't know"  
  
"Because, they were going to get an Orc report, like I am" With that, Glorfindel rushed  
  
to find Erestor. Elrond stood there, thinking, I don't get it.  
  
Erestor just sent the third infantry unit to scout for Orcs on the western border. He  
  
thought to himself, as long as I don't see Glorfindel, I'll have the report done by  
  
tommorow. Just then, Glorfindel runs over to him, screaming "Erestor! Erestor!" and  
  
waving his arms like a chicken. Help me Valar, Erestor prayed.  
  
"Erestor! Erestor! Guess what?"  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"We have to get the Orc report done"  
  
"What do you think I was doing?"  
  
"You were standing there and saying, 'As long as I don't see Glorfindel, I'll have the report done by tommorow."  
  
"...you heard that?"  
  
"uh...yeah? What do think I am? Stupid?"  
  
"No...coughyeahcough"  
  
"You need cough drops?"  
  
"I think I'll live"  
  
"Elrond's a great healer, you know?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Do you think he needs to see if you have a sore throat?"  
  
"Glorfindel, I am an Elf. Elves do not get sick"  
  
"What if you're an acception?"  
  
"Exception, not acception"  
  
"You're going to correct my grammar at a time like this?"  
  
"Uh...Hello? I just did."  
  
"What was your lowest grade in school?"  
  
"...no...don't mock me"  
  
"Well, what was it?"  
  
"99.9 repeating...* sob * my parents were so dissapointed. * more sob *"  
  
"Nerd"  
  
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"  
  
"Stop crying...please?"  
  
"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"  
  
"Uh...knock knock?"  
  
"* sob * whose there?"  
  
"Me"  
  
"Me who?"  
  
"Me is going to get an Orc report"  
  
"I am going to get an Orcs report"  
  
"STOP CORRECTING MINE GRAMMAR!"  
  
"My grammar, not mine grammer * sob *" 


	4. A history of thumbsucking and bedwetting

Disclaimer: I own nothing! Nothing! NOTHING! The 2nd chapter was not mine! My sister posted it when I was at baseball practice Ellen, if you are reading this, you are EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIL And concertmasters suck Trumpets are the best Thoughts are in   
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
Elrond was trying to stay calm, but that was becoming difficult. He faced his two not-so-  
  
good adivisors.  
  
"Erestor, Glorfindel, forget about the Orc report. I'll just get Elladan and Elrohir to do  
  
that. Anyways, Celeborn will be arriving tonight for a banquet. I trust you two to  
  
plan it. * Don't * mess this one up."  
  
"Of course not, Elrond." Glorfindel replied. Erestor did the same. If Elrond had known  
  
what was going to happen, he would have planned the banguet himself.  
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
"My lord Celeborn, it is wonderful to see you again." Elrond said with a bow.  
  
"Indeed, Elrond. It has been many years since I have set food inside Rivendell"  
  
Celeborn replied while bowing as well, if not as much.  
  
"And it is * always * a pleasure to see you again, milady." Elrond said to Galadriel.  
  
"The same to you, Elrond * Peredhil *" Galadriel replied, mockingly. Elrond grimaced.  
  
"Erestor, Glorfindel, please show Celeborn and Galadriel to their room." He said.  
  
"Of course, right this way"  
  
*~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
Erestor and Glorfindel led the Lord and Lady of the Golden Wood down the corridor.  
  
"So how is Elrond doing?" Celeborn asked, trying to break the silence.  
  
"He is the same Elrond Peredhil," said Erestor  
  
"With a history of thumb-sucking and bed-wetting," finished Glorfindel. Celeborn  
  
raised an eyebrow while Galadriel mentally laughed. What a great thing to tell Cirdan  
  
and Thranduil at the next Elvish Council...wait, Thranduil has a history of bed-wetting  
  
too. I should know, I fostered the brat for ten years.  
  
"Anything else you would like to tell us?" Galadriel asked.  
  
"Yes, Elrond used run around Lindon without any clothes," Erestor answered.  
  
"Along with Elros" Glorfindel stated.  
  
"And he used to-" Erestor was cut off by Celeborn.  
  
"I think that's enough" he said.  
  
"Oh, well, here we are. I hope you find your room enjoyable."  
  
"I sure we will, thank you"  
  
* ~ * ~ * ~ *  
  
"Tonight, we celebrate the day of the victory against Sauron. This day, so many years  
  
ago, my good friend Gil-galad fell in the Battle of the Last Alliance. But his death was  
  
not in vain, for Sauron was destroyed. To Gil-galad, and all the Elves that died in the  
  
Last Alliance." Elrond finished and took a sip from his goblet. The others in the hall did  
  
the same. The Elves started to eat, and some got up to sing and dance. Elrond told  
  
Glorfindel to bring Celeborn more wine, and he was about to hand it to the Lorien lord,  
  
then he tripped. The wine splattered against Celeborn and Galadriel, who was just about  
  
to make an * important * announcement. Elrond silently cursed. Elves immediatly went  
  
to help Galadriel, and ignored Celeborn.  
  
"Hey! What about me? Aren't I important?" No one heard him, they were too busy  
  
listened to Galadriel say,  
  
"Your Lord Elrond has a history of thumb-sucking and bed-wetting" 


	5. Teddy bear pajamas

Elrond put on his teddy bear pajamas and blew out the candle and drug himself to bed.  
  
Stupid mother-in-law. Why can't she keep her mouth shut? He had excused himself  
  
from the banquet because of that. At the dining hall, Elves were still singing songs about  
  
that. He tripped on a misplaced robe and knocked over a chair. The crash was definitely  
  
loud enough for Elves at the banquet to hear. Elrond was not happy. Just then,  
  
Glorfindel and Erestor, dressed in their nightshirts, barged in with their swords.  
  
"My lord! Where is the foul beast! Erestor and I will destroy him!"  
  
"Are you hurt lord? Should I get the best healer in Rivendell?"  
  
Elrond closed his eyes and counted to ten. Then...ten deep breaths.  
  
"Number one, there is no beast in here. Number two...I AM THE BEST HEALER IN RIVENDELL." Elrond yelled. Then he added, "And why are you two in your nightshirts?"  
  
"Well, when you left, everyone else left." Erestor stated.  
  
"Then where is that singing coming from?" Elrond demanded.  
  
"What singing?...Oh the singing about your history of-" Glorfindel was cut by Elrond.  
  
"YES!!! THAT singing!!!"  
  
"Lord, that is not coming from the dining hall, that is coming from Mirkwood." said Erestor.  
  
"How do Thranduil's folk know of that?" Elrond snapped.  
  
"Well, you know how Galadriel can send telephathic messeges to people..."  
  
"Arghhh. I can't wait until she goes. When she does, I'm going to see her out of here, just the way I am now." Elrond was fuming.  
  
"Lord...?" Glorfindel could not resist.  
  
"WHAT!?"  
  
"In your teddy bear pajamas?'  
  
"GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!! GET BACK TO YOUR ROOMS NOW!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Erestor and Glorfindel hurried out of harm's way.  
  
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~  
  
Reviews? If you review, I'll let you hug/choke the Elf of your choice! 


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